I haven't totally disappeared

I have been in kind of a dark place for a few weeks. I guess the old broody, dark side of me is still there, hidden deep inside, but still there. It made a scary appearance this time. I'm not quite out of it yet.

I guess I just figured that coming here and posting about my family was rather lame, not to mention uninteresting, so I've just kept quiet. Everything else seemed so trivial and time wasting to write about, though, so I just didn't post at all.

Mom is ok. She's home and doing some out-patient treatments. The blood transfusions worked wonders. I knew they would. If the doctors would have just done it back in March, like I thought they should...

She has more energy now than she's had since early last fall, which is the last time they hooked her up. They are going to be doing bone marrow tests in two weeks, though.

Dad got sick while Mom was in the hospital, mostly stress and tiredness kind of sick. He's fine, though. They're both resting a lot these days.

The Captain will be here June 2nd, and I really need him. We have a friend's 60th birthday that we're going to attend, and he's meeting the rest of my old gang then too.

And then I'm going up to Washington and the boat trip on July 1st. Independence Day weekend is a good time to sail away, don't you think?

And that's about all there is to say. I guess I've been kind of depressed. I really have no reason to be. I should be happy now, right? But whatever. I'm probably just being a brat about not getting to do what I want, when I want. I was really looking forward to that boat outing the past few weeks. I'm trying to keep myself busy with house and home projects and helping my parents, but I'm having trouble focusing for very long.

God, this is pathetic. See? This is why I haven't been posting or coming here. I knew I would be horribly pathetic, and I hate that. I'm tempted to hit "delete" instead of "publish", but I guess I need to put something on here. No need to comment. I just wanted to respond to a few of you who inquired on previous posts.

I want to get on that boat and sail far away to where it's really quite and deserted. Just me and the Captain, with some books, music, wine, and sunshine. Maybe seeing some whales and dolphins and seals. Just drifting on the water for a long, long time. No time limits or phones ringing. I'd like to take my pets, though. I wouldn't want to truly run away without them. However, that wouldn't really work on a boat.

Damn, life is so impractical to fantasies.

By the way....I really dig the new American Idol. His performance of this song was so sigh-worthy.



UPDATE: - Damn Youtube. I hate that !*#!ing place. Here's a link to a site with the vid. I can't find the embed code, though, cause it's in Japanese or something.

Kris Allen - Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

Feeling like my old broody self

It's gray outside.

I'm gray too, which I shouldn't be, because I'm getting married, right?

I'm missing the Captain something terrible. I'm going to see him the week of Valentines, but that seems so far away. I feel like a lovesick puppy.

All I want to do is wedding planning stuff or rearranging my rooms, closets, and house to accommodate another person moving in. I look at pictures of flowers, dresses, cakes, candles, etc. I write it all down in my big wedding planner book, which is my trusty old Daytimer from back in the 1990s. I love that book, even if it does weigh five pounds. I love making lists and organizing things. I resent having to do anything else lately. Like work. Next week I'll be in a 40 hour conference call. I swear, it's really going to be 40 hours. Normally it would be a departmental conference that my team would all travel to the corporate campus for, but since travel is restricted at our company due to budget concerns this year, we're doing the whole thing via the internet.

40 f***ing hours tied to the desk and computer with a web cam and audio headset that's not even wireless. Good god.

I know. Get a real problem, right?

I think I need to go walking today. I think I might take my i-pod and walk through the dead trees, leaves, and gray skies a bit. Listen to some piano music. Brood my way through this.

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